| musings from another wacky wednesday |
[Dec. 29th, 2006|03:21 am] |
this is what i wrote after i came home thursday morning:
and when was the last time you came home after daybreak? oh, i guess that would be ... this morning. and what, pray tell, were you doing? oh, just making out. making out with a Czech boy. a work colleague. egad. a slightly vegetarian t-shirt wearing lower salary than me czech boy. that's right. office romance. egads. and why? why, of the two czech men who were practically tearing you in two like a favorite doll (okay maybe not quite). why? why do we tend to want the softer, less aggressive ones? is it because i know him kind of? i didn't just meet him? is it because he was not all over me like stink on shit? what is that? why do i only want the men who don't seem attracted to me? and then what happened? oh oh oh. it was like high school. kissing on an couch. in a bar. a non-stop bar that actually really is open for 24 hours straight. crazy concept in this world. oh my. so weird. and he'll ring me today. great for my czech. but but but ... dating is a ... i don't know! is it snowing? he is from prague. he remembers the velvet revolution. his father went on parades. finally. maybe this is what i need. a boy i can't really speak completely clearly with, even if i want to. everything will always be comfortably vague. but he still remembers when nirvana was the shit. and bohemian rhapsody is his favorite queen song. oh and he tried to kiss you at least osmnact times before success. why? why are your lips so sassy? so proud? so above all that? i suppose maybe they're just shy. extremely shy. what are they afraid of? there's always something. dry cracked lips. 5am beer breath. lack of practice. sure miss those meaty lips of not so long before but... we all know how misleading first impressions can be. and now... what about new years eve? no no. we won't put our eggs in any baskets. we'll go along as planned. and what to tell the girls? anything? will they ask? will they see that silly girlish grin? and what of it? what exactly are you hoping for here? sex? love? free czech lessons? why are your legs turning to jelly? what's that about? oh if only your flatmates were here. to see you come in at 9 am. to hear you gush. to say, that's boy number 4. four months and four boys. finally making up for lost time? blanche? we never thought she'd turn out to be banche. she is soooo innocent. so sweet. a pushover. a doormat. ah but we love her. love love love. and she needs sleep so she can act real cool in two hours. egads.
10:03am 28.12.06 |
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| happy new year? |
[Dec. 26th, 2006|01:57 pm] |
okay it's only boxing day but somehow it already seems like the holidays are over. this has been maybe the weirdest holiday season. but i'm not complaining. it hasn't been bad. it's been fine. there's been lots of me-time for cooking and baking and dancing around the apartment in my underwear listening to music ...
i should write more. i was thinking it's not necessary - who reads it but me? but actually i find them quite entertaining to read later. and look how little i've written?
so i'm at a bar. and now i feel like a dork as it's gotten later and everyone else here is here for social reasons. they're being social and young and hip and czech. ah but the music here is great, it's right round the corner from my apartment, and i find the decor really really aesthetically pleasing. so there. i may become a regular.
i guess that's it for now. still really confused about boys and me and my feelings and actually my personality and what i want. it's so hard. janis was telling me that about once a month she just kind of questions everything like she doesnt want to be in prague or learn czech or smoke or something like that and i was like, honey that's what i feel like every single day. no matter what "decision" i make about my life, i'm always questioning it. sex without love? sure! wait, i should wait for someone i really care about? okay! vegetarianism? what's the point? and why AM i in prague? god only knows!! but does everything have to really have a reason?? i seem to think it does. or at least one of the people that make up "me" as we know her, thinks everything has to be reasonable and logical. it sucks. but then... i dont know. i never know what's real. i just think about everything until it doesnt even exist anymore. is that in mscl or something? i think so. i think angela does that. oh my.
aaanddd. kinda wish i had tv. no bettter: a bosom buddy. i thought i was gonna have one but he's turning out to be kinda a shit best mate. blah. it's so hard. life. life is so hard. and everyone else is so BORING. oh i miss sarah.
andd.. someone is making a HORRIBLE nails on chalkboard kind of sound. and suddenly there's a song i want to download but it's not seeming to workout.
damn even when i go somewhere for internet the internet is half-assed.
i can't even decide if it's worth trying to be social tonight.
and now they're playing Sharona. that's weird. this is weird. this doesnt really fit in with anything else they've played. weird weird weird. but i guess that's me. weird. mixed up. inconsistent.
i wonder what the new year will bring. i should probably quit. get out while i can. but i'm such a ... pussy. sorry. i'm such a wimp. i dont think i could ever complain and quit. oh? you spent my money and now i've got to wait til thursday to be paid? sure thing! that's fine.
doormat.
or something. i keep saying "beer mat." i swear, british english just seems into your pores over here whether you're actually around it or not.
i'm sure if i eat lots and lots of black-eyed peas... things will be GREAT. things ARE great. what are you talking about wilis? i dont even know how to spell willis. it looks WEIRD.
my computer battery's on it's way out... so... adieu. |
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| weird |
[Dec. 19th, 2006|02:27 pm] |
everything right now is so weird. i feel so uncomfortable and i dont like it and i need to stop putting my eggs in baskets. i mean in other people's baskets because i keep ending up with no eggs. you can't count on anyone but yourself.
i should . i 'm bored. i dont finish sentences and i'm not very happy with my life right now and maybe ( i dont know what i was going to say because he interrupted my thoughts) right.
job isnt looking good. oh maybe i'm lonely. |
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| but without my voice, how can i ...? |
[Dec. 14th, 2006|12:45 pm] |
ok. last night with boy and whisky and magical brownie and futurama (boy is nerd, but actually is a great show..) i started to feel like this pain in my teeth/head was finally going to be gone. but this morning i awoke to more pain/nausea than ever. but at school i felt pretty merry and bright, considering... (oh by the by i pretty much had a nervous breakdown on wednesday and almost cried at school twice because i was in so much pain plus so overwhelmed with all these little czech kids and me all alone with them. STRESS). anyway then at lunch i realized my teeth no longer hurt. but by the time the afternoon rolled around (christmas party with parents today) my voice was on it's way out the door and now it's gone gone gone. teeth hurt again but it aint SO bad. but damn, i haven't lost my voice in ages. and so i think this must be a sinus infection. am seeing a doctor in the morning, hopefully i'll get some antibiotics and also a paper saying i'm healthy (ha) so my visa process can get rolling rolling rolling.
oh so tense. my shoulders. i need a good massage. maybe on saturday. also want to buy a christmas tree. hooray! and cords and cards to send.
ok. and one more fce class on monday. i cancelled my russians for today and tomorrow, as i can't speak, am tired, etc. hopefully next week will see a healthier talkier caro.
plus i need to practice my damn czech.
and then.. church? or no church? hash? or no hash. i can't decide about sunday.
jaw hurts.
hot bath awaits.
as does tom robbins, thank god for sending me two. i mean thank god for mom who sent me two.
hooray. sleep will come early tonight. or i'll stay up and watch rosemary's baby, which i downloaded. weeee. |
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| halloween? |
[Oct. 31st, 2006|03:40 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  blah | ] |
wow. i had an anxiety dream last night. an exhausting dream at that. in my dream i lived at the beach and there was a big party and i went and then i stayed out really late and the next day i didn't wake up until 3:30 and it was a while before i realized i had completely missed all day at school! i felt so awful. but it's so weird. i'm all they have. i mean, i'm the teacher. i have no assistant or anything. it's weird. that's a lot of pressure i guess.
and anyway i guess leftover thoughts from the zombie party saturday... it was really fun for a while and then it just died. and it would have been nice to develop some kind of crush or fling or something but my potential new boyfriend suddenly got super drunk (unattractively so) and then disappeared with some NON-zombie girl who appeared out of nowhere.
blah. and it's not that i really need some boy toy right now except that with no one to mull over i mull over the one i should just stop thinking about because he is so obviously ready for me to disappear. blah. i hate boys. i really really do.
and on that note, it's halloween again. i think one year ago this time i was still hungover from BerZuBa and my first time for ... lots of things.
sigh.
according to my scale, which i finally put batteries into, i've lost a few pounds since august. which is bad because now i don't feel guilty when i pig out. though i should.
okay and i always have all these super ideas and i think preschool's going to go so great and it never turns out like it does in my mind. is it me or the kids? or just reality pooping all over everything as usual? damn it. janet.
that is all. |
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| preschool preschool |
[Oct. 26th, 2006|01:53 pm] |
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note to self: do not wear seven jeans on a day when the children are doing finger painting. |
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| so... |
[Sep. 27th, 2006|05:49 pm] |
ok. i've not long to write. i need to get to the post and mail a letter to dad. but more importantly i need to make copies for my students. i have my second FCE course tonight (first meeting of this class) and i've got to be less scrambled than monday. i swear my boss said the class was at 17:30 but i arrived about 17:25 to find it started at 17:20. blah. but i've got it together today man. and this weekend (well, at least on friday and thursday and maybe sunday) i've got to do some major lesson planning. and i'm going to zurich and gonna get my stuff. wish i didn't have so much! if i had less, i'd have room to buy important swiss things like a proper fondue pot and some Butterzopf and cheese :) maybe i can make room yet...
so last weekend was Oktoberfest. it was GREAT but i totally wasn't there long enough. wish i was still there. and i met a boy and i know it's a bad idea to have crushes but i don't have my hopes up. may or may not see him ever again. sure is cute. and the perfect mix of crazy/fun/laidback and also cute. sigh...
ok so other than being stuck with THAT lump in my head... very very busy with work. but hopefully i'll get hte whole year's lesson plan (for preschool) ironed out this weekend and then things won't be so stressful. oh, and i arrived at work monday to find my assistant leaving. so now i'm assistantless. which is kinda good but there are moments when you need a helping hand. not to mention, SHE had been working on the lesson plan so now i've almost got to start from scratch.
i wish there were more hashers here. i love the swiss and german hashers. and i need people to help me celebrate my birthday -just a week and a half away! but who? who do i know who can drink like a fish? i'm sorry. alcohol isn't so important. but funness is. :) and jolliness. and general hash-like childish fun :)
oh i can't believe i went home with him. i really didn't think someone that cute. and he's even so nice. but i have no idea what boys think. probably nothing. but maybe maybe maybe he'll come to prague? and now that i wrote that probably he won't. and even if he did, does it make a difference? he'll be on another continent soon enough.
i fall in love way too easily.
and anyway he's probably my cousin. quaker, man.
sigh.
better move on!! gotta teach! gotta be on the ball!
and afterwards: dinner with rose!
oh yeah...
friday before i left for munich, i happened upon a burčák festival on the square where i live. burčák is the czech word for unfermented wine. yum! but boy does it hit you fast! especially if you drink a liter or so...
but i was there with some of the current TEFL students and they're cool though i fear maybe this one boy has a thing for me and he's nice but he's no comparison to... that other boy. and anyway i can't fall in love with EVERY boy i meet.
ok. really must go now.
ahoj! |
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| (no subject) |
[Sep. 21st, 2006|07:07 pm] |
Well I feel like an old hobo, I'm sad lonesome and blue
I was fair as the summer day now the summer days are through
You pass through places and places pass through you
But you carry 'em with you on the souls of your travellin' shoes
Well I love you so dearly I love you so clearly
Wake you up in the mornin' so early
Just to tell you I got the wanderin' blues
I got the wanderin' blues
And i'm gonna quit these ramblin' ways one of these days soon
And I'll sing
The littlest birds sing the prettiest songs...
ok i should write more.
today i spilled glue all over my face. well, not spilled so much ... little Jan was having trouble with his glue stick (please note that Jan in Czech is like John. J is pronounced with a Y sound but you know, the "a" is like that in "father" and its an extremely common boy name) so i took it and looked at it and squeezed it and hte litlte clear cap along iwth a great deal of glue squirted into my face. great.
then this afternoon i went to get some copies made at this place that does it really cheap and i wasa bout to pay and realized i didnt have my wallet! nad it was almost 6 (closingn time) so i hurried home ot get it and felt all silly and dumb and scrambled back and paid and they probably thought i was SO weird. and then? then about twenty minutes later i was walking to tesco and looked at my watch and it was only 5:30. wow i'm an idiot.
i hate tesco. i've got to stop going there. at least after four. maybe 3 wouldnt be so bad. right after school... they didnt even have the schocko muesli i wanted!
and tomororw i need to buy a small backpack (mine's huge) and some becherovka to bring with me to muenchen...
yay! tomorrow night we'll be heading to deutschland!! can't wait!!! wish we could have done a long weekend of it.. too bad i only recently found out that i get next thursday/friday off. but i'm going to zurich then. finally gonna get my stuff! yay!
and i got my first piece of mail today.
things are looking up! just need to get me some friends... |
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| (no subject) |
[Sep. 18th, 2006|07:40 am] |
look at you, you're young
having so much fun
gonna be a star
blah blah blah
and click there goes the phone
i don't wanna know
what my horoscope's predicting
just pour me a drink
cuz i need a kick
i don't wanna think
i just wanna sip
......
the soundtrack to Weeds is so good.
but i've been in a funk. like samantha on her sixteenth birthday, it is physically impossible for me to get happy.
it better change before this weekend or i'm gonna have a hella depressing time at oktoberfest...
blah blah blah |
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| omg? |
[Sep. 16th, 2006|04:38 am] |
OMG. i cannot believe it's been so bloody long since i've posted!!! so much has happened. i came to prague, got a flat and a job and now i'm having a bit of a depressed weekend. i don't know what it is. my job isn't quite what i had imagined. and life is life. and sometimes i think i get caught in some reality that just isn't possible and then i remember and that can be upsetting too. but tonight i went out with new tefl students and they're pretty cool but it's hard not to hate girls who are hot. it's just not fair. i'll always be short and stocky. never dainty or tall. not possible. really. so i'm not sober and in fact i should sleep now.
and next weekend we're going to oktoberfest but i'm so confused about it now. hm.
that's it. |
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